Neville Longbottom, The Jerk
by Zax P. Lolin
Summary: Harry tries to get some sleep but is kept awake by an annoying Neville
1. Chapter 1

Neville Longbottom, The Jerk

Harry had been studying late into the night for his O.W.L.'s and barely had the strength to pour himself into bed. To his surprise he was not the only one still awake. Neville too was wide awake, still reading his charms book in bed. Harry thought of saying something but when Neville looked at Harry, and Harry saw Nevilles dull expressionless eyes, he knew that communicating with him would only encourage Neville to speak to him more often later.

"If I have to listen to one more pathetic rant about sprouts and flower pedals from that slobbering retard I swear to God I'll knock every crooked fucking tooth out of his mouth." Harry thought to himself.

"What was that Harry?" Neville asked in a quite shaky voice as if each word hurt him as he struggled past it.

"Nothing. I didn't say anything to you. Goodnight." Harry said failing to keep anger out of his voice. Harry was surprised that he had actually spoken his thought aloud, but he didn't care.

"Oh, Okay. Night Harry" Neville replied again with the same feeble tone.

"Fuck'n goon" Harry mumbled as he pulled back his sheets. He was certain Neville had heard him because he could see the crushed look on his fat little face out of the corner of his eye.

Harry almost felt bad but remembered that Neville deserved to be treated badly, he was a friendless douche who did nothing but pester Harry with trivial facts that Harry (not being an idiot) already knew, even more annoying was Neville's lack of confidence and inability to articulate his sad half-thoughts. Harry remembered reading about Aspergers in a muggle magazine, Harry was almost certain Neville had it, though no one in the wizarding world could diagnosis him. Harry thought about the ethics of mercy killing and started to drift off to sleep.

Harry was awoken in the middle of the night. He did not wake suddenly, but something, a rustling sound had grabbed him from sleep. Over the sound was something else, breathing. Still half asleep Harry reached for his wand thinking that someone was in trouble. By the time Harry grabbed his wand though it was clear what the sound had been, sheets moving, a soft rhythmic thumping. Neville was masturbating.

Harry kept quiet a second to be sure, and he was now confident that he was correct. The unmistakable thwaping sound of flesh hitting meaty flesh, the labored breathing of a fat 15 year old boy. Harry looked up and saw Neville, his face above his sheets, speedily pumping his arm up and down underneath his bedding. His plump cheeks rosy with ecstasy and shame.

"Neville! what the fuck!" Harry yelled.

To Harry's surprise he did not stop. In fact Harry's yells only hastened Neville's thumping.

"Come on man, I can hear you. I can see you!" Harry exclaimed. Neville continued masturbating at a furious pace while he slowly turned his head to look at Harry.

"Holy shit man, that is weird, just stop I want to go to bed and I can't..." Harry struggled to say over Neville's heavy breath and the loud repetitive thuds, which clearly had become louder the longer Harry spoke, as if Neville were trying to shout over Harry with the sounds of him pleasuring himself, "Sleep while you are trying to pull your dick off your body!"

Still Neville did not stop, instead he turned his head back to look straight forward at nothing in particular and continued. Harry amazed and disgusted rolled over and covered his ears with his pillows. Harry had never known Neville to abuse himself, let alone to do it so fragrantly. He was a amazed none of the others had woken up. The pillows did nothing. Harry could hear every detail so well it was hard not to visualize the whole rough, dry, session of masturbation.

With some relief Harry heard Neville's pace slow, and finally come to a complete stop. Harry sighed with relief and almost began to sleep again before he heard Neville resume with renewed vigor. Harry yelled out in protest as Neville had clearly slowed only to avoid climax. It was then Harry heard Neville saying something under his breath. At first it was hard to understand, but as Neville once again increased his speed his words became more clear.

"Strangle the pain out. Strangle the pain out." Neville whispered to himself.

Harry pondered what Neville was saying for a second and again yelled at Neville to stop but again Neville only quickened his self flagellation at the sound of Harry's voice and began saying something new to himself that Harry couldn't hear well

"Got a fat ass...Got a fat ass" were the only words Harry could make out while Neville cooed to himself.

Harry could take no more, Neville was almost always intolerable and no one would mind if Harry did something drastic to end this horrific situation.

"Neville, stop!" Harry commanded as he stood up wand at the ready, "I'm serious"

Neville ignored Harry, choosing to instead mutter more obscenities to himself.

"That's it!" Harry yelled, "Crucio!"

The spell hit Neville and he writhed in pain momentarily though a bizarre smile spread across his face. Harry stood frozen, confused and offended by Neville's behavior. Neville continued muttering foul words in broken sentences until finally, mercifully he came.

Then without rolling over, or grabbing anything to clean himself up with, Neville closed his eyes and went to sleep. Still angry and confused on many levels Harry laid backed down in his bed and tried to sleep.

"I'm glad Voldemort didn't choose that moment to enter my mind," Harry said to himself "that probably would have seemed pretty queer."


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione was quickly tapping her foot when the receptionist called out to her.

"Mrs. Granger?" the woman yelled.

"Yes!" Hermione said as she shot up from her seat.

"Oh, Sorry dear, just wanted to make sure you were still here. The doctor will see you in a few minutes."

"I can't take anymore," she said to herself as she sat back down, "this is too much maybe I'm making a mistake."

A troubled look spread across Hermione's face while she sat in the still of the waiting room. What would the Weasleys think? She hadn't even told Ron she was coming here. Ron didn't even know about the baby. This would crush him. She would have to keep this a secret. She would have to take it to her grave. Sure she could use a memory charm to wipe this whole incident from her mind, but that would be too easy.

"Ron doesn't deserve this pain," she thought, "but I do. I deserve to live with this for the rest of my life. To punish myself with the horror of what I am about to do." She thought to herself, tears growing in her eyes. She felt a hand on her back and heard a reassuring voice in her ear.

"It's alright honey, don't worry your doing whats right." the woman said. Hermione looked into her eyes.

"I recognize you. But from..."

"I'm Arabella Figg, I know Mr. Potter."

"Mrs. Figg, of course Harry has talked about you. But why are you here?"

"I've been assigned to follow you...to keep you safe."

"I don't know Mrs. Figg, part of me wants to keep it, no matter the consequences."

"Oh honey you can't do that, your so young, you have so much life ahead of you, and think of your friend the Weasley boy. How could the two of you go on if..."

"I know. But I think he would understand. He loves me and..."

"No, no my dear. He can never know. You have to go through with this for the sake of everyone." Mrs. Figg assured her.

"But, But how can I take a life just to... I mean is it all that different from Avada Kedavra? Am I any better than a death eater?"

"Of course you are, you need to do this for the greater good. You have a chance to save a lot of people a lot of pain. You have to be strong and see this through to the end, and never speak of it after today." Mrs. Figg said her tone becoming harsh at the end.

"Okay. I suppose you are right." Hermione said. Then Hermione stood up and walked to the receptionist desk. The receptionist was staring at her computer screen clearly playing a video game. "Um mam? MAM!"

The receptionist finally turned to face Hermione. 'Yes, Mrs. Granger? Right? Can I help you with something?" the receptionist said clearly upset that she had been taken away from her game.

"Yes. How long was it going to be? I'm sorry I can't just sit here anymore!" Hermione complained.

"Well if you want to get the procedure, your going to have to wait for the doctor." the receptionist said in a matter-of-fact way, a smug smile creeping across her face.

Hermione looked at Mrs. Figg, Hermiones eyes searching for approval. Mrs. Figg nodded. Then Hermione pointed the wand at her own abdomen.

"Abortus Maximus!" Hermione shouted and as she did what seemed like a gallon of blood and tissue shot out of the bottom of Hermiones skirt with the power of a fire hose. A moment later a fetus dropped with a dull splash.

The smug look of the receptionist had been replaced by shock and a few seconds later, disgust.

"Good luck getting that out of the carpet." Hermione said with a laugh. Mrs. Figg offerred Hermione her hand with a smile as the two walked out of the office, Hermiones skirt soaked in blood and miscellaneous body fluids.

Horrified the receptionist rounded her table and looked down at the mess of uterine lining and discarded afterbirth. She gagged as she saw, laying atop the blood and amniotic fluid, the dead unborn child of Hermione Granger and Kingsley Shacklebolt.


	3. Chapter 3

"The Dark Lord is preparing to attack the castle!" Harry yelled across his breakfast at Hermione and Ron. When they did not react Harry repeated himself.

"What? oh are you awake again?" Ron asked

"What do you mean awake? I just had a vision. The Dark Lord is going to break into Hogwarts tonight and kill us all!" Harry said angrily. Ron and Hermione exchanged skeptical glances,"What? Why don't you believe me."

"Well Harry," Hermione started " It's just that... well you tend to..."

"Say a lot of things that don't make sense when you have your little wizard seizures." Ron finished.

"What? No, I have a link to He-who-must-not-be-named's mind!" he said and again Ron and Hermione looked at one another, doubt spread across each of their faces, " I do, Dumbledore told me so! He did!"

"We don't think he didn't." said Hermione.

"Yeah, we just figure he said that to make you feel better. You say a lot of things that don't make sense when you slip into those things. You always say something about Voldemort when you wake up" Ron said, Harry winced at the sound of Voldemort's name.

"No they are real. Lets ask Dumbledore." Harry said, and as luck my have it Dumbledore was riding by on his skateboard at that very moment, "Professor Dumbledore! Professor can we talk for a moment?"

Dumbledore ollied high in the air doing a pretty sick 360, he then sped back toward Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"What is it Harry?" Dumbledore asked gazing down at the three of them from his half-moon specticles.

"Ron and Hermione don't believe that my visions are real."

"Oh they are real Harry. Dangerously real." Dumbledore confirmed. Ron looked at Dumbledore blankly.

"Oh also professor," Ron Began, "Is it secret? Is it safe?'" Ron said as he and Hermione both suppressed laughter

"I don't know what you mean..." Dumbledore said confused.

"Never mind them professor I'm just glad to know you believe me. Especially since..." Harry hesitated to finish.

"Did you have a vision Harry, you really should tell me if you did." Harry looked at Ron and Hermione and they quietly debated whether or not they should tell Dumbledore. While he waited Dumbledore did some wicked kick flips.

"Harry even if what you have been seeing is true, no one will believe you, we need proof." suggested Hermione. The three of them had a long conversation about how to find some proof of Harrys visions, but in the end decided that three teenagers were probably much less capable than the greatest wizard who ever lived and agreed that they should tell Dumbledore about Harry's vision despite the damage it would do to the narrative and overall flow of the story.

Just to be sure Hermoine conjured a goat onto the table out of thin air. Without hesitation Ron Muttered some words under his breath as he sliced the goats throat. As the goat jerked and kicked on the table, Ron had expertly cut the throat light enough that it took the goat longer to die, Ron sliced the belly of the goat open and pulled out its insides.  
Hermione and Ron huddled over the goats organs and deliberated about the meaning of the swollen liver and brown lungs.

"I don't know Harry," Hermione said, "It looks like we shouldn't tell him."

"Yeah mate, all the signs point to not telling him." Ron agreed.

Harry was enraged. "But, but, but look at the kidneys! and the spine is so bent!"

Hermione and Ron both laughed. "Harry!" Hermione said with a smile, "The kidneys mean nothing!"

Harry smiled too, he of course knew this he had received an A on his Extispicy OWL. Just when Harry thought they were not going to tell Dumbledore they all three saw the heart beat four separate times. This sign was unmistakable. They had to tell Dumbledore. But before they had the chance Dumbledore interrupted them.

"Really now, you children have to get to your lessons soon or you will never pass." Dumbledore said, and as he did Ron laughed.

"Oh, Sorry professor, are you saying 'We shall not pass!'" Ron said banging the table for emphasis at he end of the sentence.

"Well yes, I guess." Dumbledore said confused.

"Say it! tell us we 'shall not pass!" Ron demanded.

"Ron quit messing around we have to tell him! This is serious!" Harry said. Harry then told Dumbledore all about his vision. When he was done Dumbledore spoke.

"Merlin's salty dong! that is serious!" Dumbledore exclaimed, "by now he is already on his way only an act of deep magic will save us. We will need young Mr. Longbottom."

"Professor do you mean to say?" Hermione exclaimed.

"Yes we must sacrifice Neville's flesh to the Goddess."

"Finally!" Ron ejaculated.

"Yes, I have been waiting for this so long." Harry said, wiping Ron's ejaculate off of his robes.

Moments later all had gathered in the great hall. Dumbledore was standing at his podium, Neville suspend on a spit next to him. Neville cried and fought through his gag in order to scream.  
"Mum! Dad!"

"Your insane parents can't help you now! Your sweet saline tears only wet the horned God's hunger!" Dumbledore yelled, and was met with a great cheer from the students, "Oh Goddess let this pudgy ignorant sacrifice show our devotion to you, and in return, bless us with your favor!" Dumbledore shrieked in an inhumanly high pitch then dug a knife deep into Nevilles side. As the blood poured from Nevilles writhing body the students rushed from their chairs to bathe each other in it.

"Slabbba dom complaba!" Hermione babbled in tongues in between her moans of ecstasy. Somewhere in the back of the great hall Draco Malfoy looked on in horror.

Just then the great hall doors blasted open and there stood Lord Voldemort. The hall became instantly silent and for a moment no one moved. Voldemort's red eyes darted left to right examining the scene.

Finally Dumbledore arose from the floor, flesh in his mouth, blood glistening on his erection.

Without a word Voldemort turned and left the great hall deciding instead to take over a smaller country that might be slightly easier to conquer.

A great cheer went out in the hall.

"Ten points to Gryffindor! For Harry Potter and his friends banishment of the Dark Lord!" Dumbledore yelled. The Gryffindors cheered and the Slytherins groaned as the ten extra points had tied the two houses, "And one more point to Gryffindor cause fuck it!" Dumbledore finished.

Crestfallen Draco turned and left the great hall and returned to the dungeon to finish his C.S. Lewis novel. Dumbledore then did a sweet ollie over the whole crowd and landed next to Harry and asked,

"Do you wanna get a pizza?"


End file.
